Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Pete's Beginner's Guide to Attending Church

"We love Church!"

Here are some worthwhile tips to keep up your sleeve if you are attending Church for the first time:

Feel free to share this with others!

  1. Lower head when entering car park so as to avoid eye contact with that overly eccentric 50 year old woman holding three umbrellas. 
  2. Always create a diversion, in order to sneak in the front door without being welcomed.
  3. In order to grab a newsletter, you will now have to snatch one off the person in front of you. Normally the words, 'Hey look up there, Jesus has returned' usually works.
  4. Turn phone onto silent and close all untoward APPS that may be open. In fact, delete them.
  5. Smile and politely wave as the Minister up the front embarrasses you during the announcements.
  6. Bring your monopoly money, so as to avoid unnecessary awkwardness if you have nothing to put in the offering bag. 
  7. Ditch the monopoly money idea quickly, if the church are still using offering plates.
  8. Ensure your vocal chords are warmed up prior to the service to avoid any unpleasant sounding 'Hallelujahs'.
  9. Download Bible software onto your i-phone, so you can search for Bible references quickly, and of course so you can play Angry Birds on silent during the expose on Leviticus 19.
  10. If the church is singing, 'Oh, Happy Day', ensure that you hips are working fine.
  11. The Children's story is not the sermon. Don't get your hopes up.
  12. If people are walking down the front after the sermon, check twice if they are going for coffee or not. They may well be giving their lives to Christ, and you're now stuck up the front with no coffee, and a old man who wants to pray with you. Could be life-changing though.
  13. Following the last Amen, make a run for it. Usually a quick nod and a sprint for the door works well. Double check that the ushers have not locked the doors, as you want to refrain from the nose slam into the door frame. 
  14. Lastly, as you leave the Car Park, give it your blessing, and do it all again next week!
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